Looking Spiffy For The Missus
by The Eclectic Bookworm
Summary: She burst out laughing, so hard that her curls bounced and her shoulders shook, and when her hysterical giggles had finally subsided she looked up and said very seriously, "That was the worst pick-up line I've heard in a century."


**For Sabrina, who gave me this idea. It didn't quite turn out exactly as we thought it was supposed to, but when I'm writing things, sometimes the things take a life of their own. Hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

><p>"I love fairs," said the Doctor, his eyes remarkably wide as he took in his surroundings. "This is really cool. The entire thing, it's all really cool. I'm going to the bouncy house-no, to the rollercoaster-no, to the waterslide! Ponds, look, they've got a waterslide!"<p>

"And you're wearing your black bow tie and tails, so I'd say ix-nay on the aterslide-way," Amy replied with annoyed amusement. "Didn't you want to say that you wanted to look dignified when we meet up with River?"

"Yeah, well, that was before the waterslide," the Doctor said stubbornly. "I'm going to go get my water wings. It's going to be-"

"No," said Amy firmly. "You are _not _ruining that suit. You made me _iron _that suit because you wanted to look spiffy for the missus-"

"_Don't _call her that!" shouted the Doctor. "We only kissed the once!"

"What? Really? I was only teasing-when? Where?" Amy had completely forgotten about her stern demeanor, her eyes shining with mirth. "Was it after Utah? Oh my god, it was after Utah, wasn't it? That's why you were up all night that night, wasn't it? Doctor-"

"Fine! Fine, no waterslide, fine, just _stop talking about River,_" the Doctor mumbled. "I've not decided how I'm going to best address the situation. I want to go to the bouncy house."

"_Not _in the suit."

"Bouncy house is better than waterslide, right?" Rory pointed out diplomatically, from where he'd been observing the conversation. The Doctor grinned broadly and sprinted off, his neatly polished shoes slipping and sliding on the wet grass. As soon as he was gone, Rory turned to Amy.

"He's _so_ showing off for River," Amy muttered with a grin.

"Definitely," Rory replied. "You think that she's going to notice?"

"Definitely."

* * *

><p>The Doctor liked bouncy castles. In his last regeneration he'd had a bit of dignity left, and in the regeneration before he wouldn't have dreamed of jumping in a bouncy castle, but when the first person you see is a child you're bound to have a fondness for children as well as child-like activities.<p>

He'd taken off his shoes, revealing his brand-new pair of rainbow toe socks that were astonishingly garish. As he bounced, he dug his toes into the floor of the castle. His head hit the ceiling.

"Ow!" he said, before losing his balance and toppling forward onto someone who'd been trying to enter the bouncy castle. Someone with astonishingly soft curves, a gun holster that was digging into his leg, and space hair that was tickling his nose.

He was face-to-face with River Song, who was laughing her head off. Her breath was tickling his face and he was finding it _extremely _hard to think coherently.

"Hi," the Doctor managed stupidly. "Is that you, River?"

River stopped laughing, snickered, sat up, and choked out, "Is that a _tailcoat?_" before dissolving into hysterical giggling again.

"Tailcoats are cool!" responded the Doctor indignantly.

"Sw-sweetie," River stammered as she attempted to compose herself, tears of laughter still lingering in her eyes, "you're at a _fair._"

"So? I love tailcoats. They're-they're very-"

"You're overdressed, honey, just admit it, and then we can go on with our lives," River snorted. "You _did _invite me here, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but the Ponds are here too-d'you mind?"

River sighed softly. "Still don't know who I am yet, do you?"

"I know that you're interfering with my bouncy-castle time, Doctor Song-"

"Are those _rainbow toe socks?_"

"Ye-Stop laughing! Now, I realize that I fell on you-_stop it-_but I want to go and bob for apples next-_really, River, stop laughing-_and then we can do something nice by ourselves, minus the Ponds-"

River visibly perked. "I like the sound of that," she whispered.

"Wh-oh-_that's not what I meant stop being so flirty! _I meant that we could play one of those test-your-strength games or something!"

"You aren't serious. 'Something nice by ourselves' does _not _mean 'playing a test-your-strength game'. 'Something nice by ourselves' means 'a snog behind a test-your-strength game'. Have you gone completely mad?" River demanded, looking severely affronted. "You say something like that, and that's what I think you mean!"

"Yes, well, we can't all be-"

"Really, sweetie, I wouldn't recommend finishing that sentence if you want to live long enough to find out who I really am."

The Doctor muttered something along the lines of 'bloody irritating woman' before reluctantly following River out of the bouncy castle, making sure to wave goodbye to the six-year-old girl as he left.

* * *

><p>"River!" said Amy with delight. "What're we doing next?"<p>

"Rollercoasters!" the Doctor replied happily, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. "Ooh, or, or, or a hay ride? I love a good hay ride. Or a waterslide! I'll take the suit off."

"Ooh, I'd like to see that," River purred, pressing into the Doctor's side.

"Stop it," said the Doctor, not entirely sounding like he meant it.

"Make me."

"Yeah, well-"

"Oi, lovebirds, I've already seen this before!" Amy shouted, causing the Doctor to jerk away from River as if she'd electrocuted him. "Can we just go get some fair food?"

"Ooh, I _love _fair food!" gasped River suddenly, causing three pairs of eyes to stare at her in shock. "What?" she added indignantly. "It's delicious!"

"But you're-you're-I'd have pegged you as-as a wine and cheese kind of woman!" sputtered the Doctor.

"Wine and cheese?" River repeated in amusement.

"_Yes _wine and cheese! Aren't those all rare and expensive and hard to get? Dunno if cheese is as flirty as you, though."

"Now there's a pick-up line I've never heard," Rory whispered to Amy.

River rolled her eyes. "Lead me to the fair food, sweetie, and if you make one more comment about how flirty I am I'm going to find all of your hats and shoot them one by one."

"Even the propeller beanie?" gasped the Doctor.

"_Especially _the propeller beanie-you know what, actually _only _the propeller beanie."

"You own a propeller beanie?" said Amy with distaste. "That's just-"

"I know," said River with a soft groan. "I've tried to find it, but he always hides it and brings it out at the _worst _moments. Like in the Bone Meadows. Doctor, have you done the Bone Meadows yet?"

"Yes, and you shot down Charlie the First, and that's _not nice._"

"Charlie the First?" Rory repeated bemusedly.

"The _propeller beanie, _Rory, keep with the conversation," said the Doctor. "Now I've got Charlie the Second, and _River stop it with the bedroom eyes._"

River (who hadn't been making any bedroom eyes at him) looked at the Doctor, looked at Amy and Rory, and made a break for the TARDIS, which was parked a good ten yards away.

"Oi!" shouted the Doctor, scrambling after her. "Oi! Not Charlie the Second! He's _blue and yellow, _River, he matches the TARDIS, and he's absolutely amazing! You can't kill him, I just had Charlie the First replaced! I don't know _why _I fancy you-" Amy scream-laughed (it was more of a laugh that sounded like a scream, to be truthful) and Rory stared incredulously. River whipped around, gave him a cheeky wink, blew him a kiss, and continued on her merry way to destroy Charlie the Second. The Doctor completely forgot about running and instead stood there muttering "Stupid Doctor, stupid River, stupid Ponds, stupid beanie, stupid fairground."

When River finally _did _destroy Charlie the Second, she came up to the Doctor and asked "Are we going to get fair food now?" innocently, handing the Doctor the charred remains of a propeller beanie and pressing her lips to his cheek. The Doctor felt a wave of dizziness.

"Two of you," he said vaguely. "Two Rivers. Ha ha! Birthday present." He lurched forward and started passionately kissing thin air, leaning too heavily on the nonexistent River and falling flat on his face in the grass.

"What's he doing?" Amy asked.

"Oops," said River.

"Why's he snogging the grass?" Rory asked.

"I think that I forgot that I was wearing my hallucinogenic lipstick," said River sheepishly. "Particularly affects double-hearted life forms-makes them a bit confused."

"So he's snogging the grass but he thinks he's snogging you?" Amy inquired with disbelieving disgust.

River laughed nervously. "Fair food, anyone?"

* * *

><p>It was sort of hard to concentrate on the fair food while the Doctor was telling anyone who would listen about the time when he was <em>so<em> drunk he accidentally caused Queen Elizabeth the Fifth's premature death (or pretty much anything that popped into his head) and leaning heavily on Rory's shoulder.

River, however, was eating her cotton candy as if this was just another normal day for her. "So, Doctor," she commented, "how exactly did you save Queen Elizabeth?" The Doctor looked at her with wide eyes, leaned across the table very slowly, and just when Amy and Rory were absolutely sure he was about to kiss her he _yanked _on one of her curls. "Ow!" she shrieked.

"Bouncy-wouncy," the Doctor giggled.

"Oh, I'm going to tease him about this for _years,_" Amy laughed.

River shot the redhead a sour look. "You wouldn't think it was funny if it was _your _hair he was pulling."

"I wanna _fez, _Rivah," the Doctor mumbled. "Will you go with me and get me a fez?"

"How long is he going to be like this?" Rory asked River. "I miss my left arm."

"It should wear off in about two hours," River replied, "but if he got a sudden shock that might help."

"So snog him!" Amy shouted impatiently. "He already said that he fancied you-snog him! Wouldn't that be enough of a shock?"

"Can't," River answered, shaking her head and making her curls bounce tantalizingly (the Doctor's eyes followed the movement of River's ringlets). "Before the lipstick's worn off, pressure applied to his face will shock the neurons even more. It'll just make the effects worse."

"Bouncy!" giggled the Doctor with a slightly gentler tug on River's hair.

"What about water?" Rory suggested.

"Bouncy-bouncy-"

River gave the Doctor what Amy would later dub as her "Death Look Of Death". "I swear if you pull my hair again I will _shoot _you with my _gun._"

"You're really really sexy with your gun," the Doctor mumbled slightly indistinctly. "Also you have nice eyes."

"Yeah, he's a complete nutter right now," said River with an eye roll. "I know for a _fact _that he'd never say something like that out loud with you two around. Fancy bobbing for apples?"

"Wha-" began Amy, and then her eyes lit up. "OH! Apples-water-River, you are _brilliant!"_

"I try," River replied modestly. "Thank you, though."

* * *

><p>"Apple bobbing!" said River, her voice sickeningly cheerful. The enormous (if slightly plastic-ish) grin on her face frightened Amy and Rory more than any deadpan stare from her ever could. "Doesn't that sound nice, honey?"<p>

"There's a galaxy in Rory's eyes, and it's growling at me," the Doctor told River seriously. Amy, who was in line for one of the nearby roller coasters, burst out laughing.

"Lovely," River muttered sarcastically. "Really, really lovely." Then she dunked the Doctor's head in the water (Rory apologized profusely to the woman working the stand, a few shocked children, and about anyone else who would listen) and pulled him back up, spinning him around and peering into his eyes. "Sweetie, how do you feel?"

"Didn't we agree," said the Doctor, "that you wouldn't use your lipstick on me?"

River ungracefully wiped her mouth on her sleeve and kissed him briefly, threading her fingers through her hair as she pulled away to grin cheekily at him. Amy screamed loudly (apparently it was her day for screaming) and Rory choked on thin air. The Doctor's response was to slip on the wet grass and fall backward into the apple bobbing barrel, thoroughly drenching both of them. An apple hit River on the head.

"Oi!" said the woman working the stand angrily. River pulled back completely (not looking particularly sorry for knocking over the apple bobbing barrel), pulled the Doctor up by his hair, removed her hands from his head, and sauntered off in the direction of the test-your-strength game. The Doctor stared after her with wide eyes.

"What the hell was that?" Rory said incredulously. From the line, the Doctor could see Amy gawking at him.

"Blimey," said the Doctor. Then he ran after River, not because she'd just kissed him but because she was about to try the test-your-strength game _without him _and that was _really _not allowed.

Rory followed.

"Right!" called Amy from where she was still standing in the line. "No one need me? Everyone forgotten that I'm still waiting? Apparently my best friend's love life is more interesting than the fact that I just got left be…behind…oh my god, he just kissed River." Then she bowled over about seven people as she ran after Rory.

* * *

><p>River hit the lever. The Doctor watched in amazement as the small puck shot all the way up and rang the bell. "Nice!" he said appreciatively, casually slinging an arm over her shoulder in an attempt to distract her.<p>

She shook him off. "Stop it. I get a prize if I do that one more time."

"Why?" the Doctor teased, his hand moving to lightly touch her hair. "Am I throwing you off?"

River spun around and said in an extremely deadly voice, "Touch my hair again and I will kiss you with my hallucinogenic lipstick _so _hard that you won't even remember your name."

The Doctor glared. "Yeah?" he said. "Well, this thing is easy! Brilliantly easy! I could do it in a second! Ring the bell, get you the prize, and then you'll see!" River smirked disbelievingly. He snatched the hammer from her hands and brought it down extremely hard.

On his own foot.

He swore loudly in Gallifreyan. River rolled her eyes, took the hammer from him, hit the lever again, and graciously accepted her-

-fez.

The Doctor suddenly forgot that his foot hurt.

"River please please _please _can I have it?" he begged, not noticing Amy inconspicuously turning on her phone and beginning to take a video. "It's a _fez _and it's _red _and _please?_"

River looked at him. Then she looked at her prize. Then she said, "Absolutely not."

"Please, River?" the Doctor implored, dropping to his knees in front of her. "You shot my last one!"

"First off, I haven't done whatever you're talking about, and second, there's a _reason _why I'm going to shoot it, honey," said River pointedly. "No fez. Not ever."

"Oh. Yeah. _Still._"

"No fez."

"But-"

"No. Fez."

"But-"

"Not ever."

"But-"

"Aren't you more worried about Amy recording all of this?" said River innocently, and when the Doctor whipped around to glare at Amy, River threw the fez to Rory. It landed on his head.

"Rory, _that's my fez!_" the Doctor protested. River nodded to Amy, who grabbed the fez off of Rory's head and tossed it back to River, who pocketed it (unceremoniously crumpling it as she did so). "You two are _so _not nice to my hats," the Doctor complained.

"I'm nice to your top hat," River pointed out. "I like your top hats. You look lovely in top hats."

The Doctor grinned like River had given him the best birthday present ever.

"Doctor, is your foot bleeding?"

He decided that it would be a good idea to sit down. Amy turned off the video phone and smirked.

* * *

><p>They went on the hay ride. The Doctor waved to every single animal until he nearly fell out waving to one of the sheep and River decided that it would be a good idea to handcuff him to her. This turned out to be a really <em>bad <em>idea, because now he had to jerk up and wave River's arm along with his, and whenever he did that River would slap him with her non-handcuffed hand. Amy and Rory sort of just watched them with almost identical bemused expressions. The Doctor might have commented on this except for the fact that he was sort of busy being slapped by River and/or waving to the animals.

"But they're _goats!_" he said indignantly after River had hit him for the fifth time. "What's wrong with waving to goats?"

"The fact that at some point you're going to topple out of the cart and split your head open, sweetie, and frankly I rather like my memories. It would rather spoil them if you died before anything interesting could happen." River gently touched the back of her hand to his cheek, rubbing a little bit. It soothed the sting slightly. "I don't exactly want you getting hurt," she said simply.

"Ah," said the Doctor, surprised by the moment of tenderness. "Ah. Okay. That's-okay."

River gave him an exasperated smile.

* * *

><p>They went on five and a half rollercoasters. "A half" meant that River (who was still handcuffed to the Doctor) got motion sickness and toppled out of the upside-down coaster onto the safety net. Or she <em>would <em>have, if she hadn't been handcuffed to the Doctor, and as the rollercoaster swung up and down the Doctor attempted to undo his seat belt (he wasn't quite clear on how River's had broken; she had a talent for somehow getting into trouble) and pull River back into her seat. It wasn't really working.

River was a mess by the time that the roller coaster people stopped the coaster and got her and the Doctor off before restarting the ride for Amy and Rory and the seven other people who'd been riding with them.

"Are you all right?" the Doctor asked awkwardly as he slung his arm around her shoulder and steered them over to a bench.

She gave him an irritated look, slightly diminished by the fact that her skin was tinged a pale green. "D'you have a death wish?"

"What?"

"I think, if one falls off a roller coaster and gets suspended in midair when one is _clearly _having motion sickness, the absolute _worst _thing you can ask that person is if they're all right."

"Ohh. Okay. Are you, though?"

"_No._"

"Oh."

He took her hand. She jerked her hand away from his and stared at Amy and Rory, who were screaming happily on the roller coaster.

"Are you all right?" the Doctor asked again, for a different reason this time. River was staring straight at Amy.

"It's hard, sometimes," said River softly. "This whole backwards timeline thing. You aren't the only person that I'm going to lose, and too often I forgot that."

"Why? In the future, are you and Amy best friends or something?"

"More like in the past," said River ruefully. Then, "I need the fez."

"Why?"

"I'm going to vomit."

"And?"

"In the fez. I have no intention of throwing up in a trash can. Two birds with one stone."

"Oh, _no, _you can't-"

"Sweetie, I could have _died _on that roller coaster. I think I have a fairly good trump card." River gave him a smug smile that quivered a bit at the ends, and then she gagged slightly. The Doctor, in a moment of supreme stupidity, jumped off of the bench to avoid what he thought was impending vomit but what turned out to be a false alarm. River glared at him, probably because (seeing as they were still cuffed together) she'd been yanked up with him, and took out the fez from her back pocket.

"No, no, _no!_" shouted the Doctor, snatching the fez and accidentally tossing it backward. "Come on, bathroom."

"You are _not _taking me into the men's room," River informed him weakly. "That's against the fairground rules, according to some pamphlet they were handing out."

"Is it? I don't care."

"I want to go into the women's room and vomit. You aren't coming with me."

"I don't care."

"Fine, then I'll vomit on _you, _let's see how much you don't care then!"

"Sorry, what?" said Amy incredulously, staring at River. Apparently the roller coaster ride had ended. "You're going to vomit on him?"

River turned bright red and swayed slightly. The Doctor pulled her closer, letting her lean on him. "Hi, Pond," he said sheepishly to Amy. "That was…sort of one of those conversations where you had to be there for the whole thing for any of it to make sense. River needs to go vomit because apparently she can't handle dangling about on a roller coaster."

"Isn't she a time traveler?" Amy asked. "No offense, River, but when you're traveling with the Doctor I'd think you'd be used to bumping about."

River laughed and mumbled, " 'S a bit different when you're bumping about on a roller coaster handcuffed to the Doctor."

"Oi, you were the one who put the handcuffs on, not me!" the Doctor pointed out.

"I need to go to the bathroom, Doctor-"

"I'll take her," Amy volunteered, casting River a worried glance.

"Okay," the Doctor said, and then, "River?"

"Yeah?"

"You have the keys for the handcuffs, right?"

River stared at him, and then she said slowly, "They may have fallen out when I was hanging from the roller coaster," before uttering a string of choice expletives in Gallifreyan.

"Language!" chided the Doctor.

She gave him another death look.

* * *

><p>He ended up taking her to the women's room. The only other occupant, a short young woman with large brown eyes and straight brown hair, stared at them both incredulously before immediately bolting.<p>

"Am I that scary?" the Doctor asked River.

"I bet it was the bow tie, sweetie," she replied. Then, "You know, I'm actually feeling a bit better now. D'you want to go back to the TARDIS and see if we can find a lock-picking device of some sort?"

"Can we go and try a pony ride first? I like ponies."

"I don't."

"So don't come then!"

River held up her wrist and gave him an are-you-a-complete-idiot look.

"…oh. Yeah. The TARDIS might be a good idea, yeah."

* * *

><p>They picked the lock, started heading in the general direction of the pony ride, and met up with Amy and Rory at the arcade.<p>

"Feeling a bit better?" Rory asked River quietly.

"Lots, yeah," said River in response. "I'm a bit exhausted, though."

"Impending doom _does _tend to take a lot out of you," the Doctor replied. "Can I have my fez?"

"It's _my _fez," River informed him, crossing her arms.

"Yes, but you don't _want _it, so it's _mine,_ and I want it _back,_" the Doctor told her firmly, crossing _his _arms and glaring at her petulantly.

Amy rolled her eyes. "Come on, you two, let's go blow some money on the claw machines. I really love arcade food, and Rory and I are _starving._"

"But the pony rides!" gasped the Doctor. "You're depriving me of my pony ride!" Then he noticed something rather important. "There's a _fez _in the claw machine!" he gasped. "A fez, River! I'm going to get a fez, and then I'll have a fez, and you'll have a fez, and if we can get Amy and Rory fezzes too we can all travel in time wearing fezzes! We'll be the Fez Quartet!"

"Oh god," groaned River. "Nausea again." The Doctor raced ahead to the claw machine. "You don't have any money!" she pointed out gleefully. "No fez for you, _ha!_"

"Watch and learn, Doctor Song," said the Doctor with a self-confident grin, and he pulled out his sonic and carefully operated the controls. The fez was grabbed after two minutes of careful maneuvering (the Doctor) and disbelieving stares (the Ponds and River). He grabbed it, plopped it on his head, snatched River's fez, and plopped it on _her _head. "See! Fezzes _are _cool!"

"I hate you," River grumbled, the fez perched jauntily on her head.

"No, you don't."

"Rory and I are going to get some food," said Amy loudly, "and when we get back, both of those fezzes had _better _be gone. That's an order, River!"

"Yes, Mum," said River with an eye roll.

"I'm not your mum!"

"It's an _expression._"

"Fine! Yeah! Get the fezzes away from your heads!" Amy grabbed Rory's arm and towed him away, leaving River and the Doctor standing in front of the claw machine.

"You are _not _going to get this fez," said the Doctor. "Never. Never ever. It's _my fez._"

"You know I'm only doing this because I love you," said River completely seriously, "and that is why you need to take off the fez."

"You love me?" squeaked the Doctor.

River flushed, opened her mouth to say something, and then suddenly her eyes lit up and she replied in a soft, low voice, "Doctor, I love you, and I always will, until the end of the universe. Kiss me, sweetie!"

The Doctor blinked, and in his moment of confusion River stood on her tiptoes and _yanked _the fez off of his head before sprinting away. "What?" he said indistinctly, and then "My fez! Come back here _right _now, you evil siren! Lure men in and steal their fezzes-I am going to get you!" He sprinted after her, but by the time he'd caught up to her in the parking lot (near the TARDIS, coincidentally) she'd already disposed of both of the fezzes.

"Hello, sweetie," said River with a smug smirk. "Got your fez."

"Give it back."

"Already tossed it."

"But I wanted to be the Fez Quartet!" the Doctor protested indignantly.

"You're an idiot," said River.

"And yet you love me."

"My one fault."

"Really."

They probably would have stayed there and exchanged playful banter for the rest of the night had Amy and Rory not come up, laden with unhealthy carnival food, and stared at the pair. Amy, with all of the tact of a ten-year-old, burst out, "Oi, lovebirds! We've got our food, we got you some food, and if you'd stop _flirting _we could go _eat _our food! Come on!" The Doctor blushed and mumbled something vague about how Amy wouldn't know that much about flirting and didn't she recognize arguing when she saw it?

River smirked and took his hand. "Let's go, honey. You aren't going to win against Amy."

"Since when do you hold my hand?" said the Doctor suspiciously. She grinned, her eyes sparkling, and then the Doctor realized exactly what she'd handed him. "My fez!" he gasped, throwing his arms around River. "River Song, I could bloody kiss you!"

"You and I both know that I'm giving you the fez in exchange for a snog and a ride around the galaxies," said River, her smirk widening. "Go on, then."

"What?" said the Doctor, completely taken aback.

"Kiss me, you complete and utter idiot," said River with an eye roll.

"I'm pretty sure it was 'kiss me, you fool'," Rory whispered to Amy, who pulled him away towards a grassy area near the parking lot so that they could put down their food.

"Kiss-kiss you?" the Doctor echoed.

"Do you not know how to kiss people?" asked River, arching an eyebrow. "From what I recall, you responded quite enthusiastically to my innocently chaste kiss when we were apple bobbing-"

"Innocently chaste _my arse!_" said the Doctor indignantly, and suddenly he was very conscious of the fact that his arms were still around River. "Why d'you have to be so-so-"

"So what?" asked River warily, her eyes narrowing. "Am I going to like the end of this sentence?"

"_Gah, _I dunno, really pretty, really mad, really clever, really amazing with a gun, really attracted and attractive to me? Something along the lines of that?"

River kissed him. Lightly, softly, gently, and then she pulled back and said, "Your turn."

"For what?"

"Doctor, at some point you're going to have to get used to kissing me."

"Is it my fault that you make my knees go all wibbly?"

She burst out laughing, so hard that her curls bounced and her shoulders shook, and when her hysterical giggles had finally subsided she looked up and said very seriously, "That was the worst pick-up line I've heard in a century."

"You can't be serious."

"Try kissing me. It's your turn."

"No."

"You'd like to, though."

"Your statement may or may not be correct, I'm not telling."

"You're an idiot."

"You're a bad girl."

"You tell me that too often."

"Do I?"

"Spoilers."

"But-you _just said-_how is that spoilers?"

"I was angling for an angry kiss."

"Not going to kiss you."

"Oh yes you are."

"Won't."

"Will."

"Stop it, River."

"Make me."

"Are you two DONE YET?" shouted Amy from across the parking lot, her mouth full of chips. "You're going to miss all the fish fingers-I've nearly finished them off!"

The Doctor took a deep breath, leaned in, and tentatively kissed River's cheek.

"Cop-out!" she said indignantly. "Cold feet at the last minute, hmm? Is that it?"

"You're so pushy."

"You love it," River purred, and he suddenly noticed that he was holding her extremely close, so that her face was literally millimeters from his. He gasped. She grinned. "Always so shocked at what you do so naturally."

The Doctor kissed her, mostly just to shut her up, and she tasted like cotton candy.

* * *

><p>"Oh my god!" shrieked Amy, jerking up from where she was snuggled in Rory's arms and running over to River and the Doctor, circling them a few times in disbelief. "Oh my god oh my god oh my god <em>you're kissing her!<em> And is that a bit of _tongue _I detect? Here you were all _I can run away from anything I like, Amy, _and now you're all into snogging River even though you _said-_you _said _you were running from her! Mixed messages, anyone?"

The Doctor's hand moved from its place on River's waist to flail about for a moment, find Amy's arm, and push her away.

"_Fine, _be that way, but now that my best mate has decided to have a love life I do believe that I have a right to observe. RORY! Rory, look, the Doctor has a love life now! Can you believe it?" Amy was giggling like an idiot, especially since the Doctor was otherwise occupied and couldn't exactly respond to her taunts. "Oh my god, are you _groping _her? You _are!"_

"Amy," said the Doctor, pulling his face away from River's to glare at the redhead, "go get a life."

"Go get a _room,_ you naughty boy," Amy replied with a grin. "I can't help it if I'm fascinated-you were _so _scared of River in the beginning-"

"Were you?" said River softly, her eyes never leaving the Doctor's.

"I was," said the Doctor. "But not anymore." And then he went back to kissing River.

"So where'd you get that from, a greeting card?" Amy demanded. "You're so lovey-dovey right now it's sickening. Gag me."

"You're one to talk," said the Doctor, pulling away from River again. River was starting to look a bit irritated. "You with all your 'oh, it's perfectly fine to snog Rory in pub_mmmf!_" River had apparently lost patience with her snogging session's interruptions, because now she had his hands in her hair and he couldn't have pulled away even if he wanted to.

Amy rolled her eyes. "You know what? I'm going to go back to the TARDIS with Rory and break something." The Doctor struggled against River's hold on his hair-or was he just flailing about? She couldn't exactly tell. "Something _really _rare," she added airily, and then, "Ooh! Or I'll try _flying _it-"

This got the attention of both the Doctor and River, who let out identical panicked yelps and broke apart with shouts of "Don't you dare!" (River) and "Not on your life, Pond!" (the Doctor).

Amy smirked. "What, it's the TARDIS over River, Doctor? Tactful!"

"_What?_" the Doctor sputtered. "How is that even-Amy, just-how is that a fair comparison?"

River rolled her eyes. "Come on, Doctor, I think I'm through with the fair. I'm a bit knackered, to be honest, would you mind taking me back to the TARDIS?" But the glow in her eyes was anything but tired.

"Are you going to-" began Amy, but the Doctor's very pointed nasty look cut her off, so she stomped off towards Rory's neat little picnic instead. She sat down next to her husband and watched the Doctor walk away, his arm slung around River's shoulders.

* * *

><p>When she and Rory entered the TARDIS, the console room was deserted and the sound of laughter drifted from the TARDIS living room.<p>

"Are they shagging on the sofa?" Amy whispered loudly to Rory. "Don't you think that's a bit weird?"

Rory shrugged. It looked a bit like a shudder. "Let's not think about that." Amy stepped around her husband and peered into the living room.

She was utterly shocked at the sight that met her eyes. From what she'd seen in the parking lot, she'd been expecting some hot and heavy snogging. Instead, the Doctor and River were talking animatedly, the Doctor's head on River's lap and River's manicured fingers neatly combing the Doctor's hair. She went into the room and sat down in a chair next to the pair, absolutely struck dumb. Rory followed, observing quietly.

"...and then I said I was Dracula, you know, first thing that popped into my head, and Donna looks at me and _hits _me, and the Empress thinks that we're married, and she gets all upset and tries to kill Donna. So I could _never _get bananas there again. It was extremely upsetting. I complained about it to Donna for weeks afterward. It was her fault, anyway," the Doctor explained sulkily, not noticing the Ponds. "Now whenever a TARDIS lands there the authorities are alerted and the Empress tries to burn it in this big volcano. And then the TARDIS gets mad at me and she locks me out of the swimming pool."

"Donna hit you because you were being an idiot," River commented. "I most likely would have done the same."

"You'd probably have liked Donna," said the Doctor wistfully. "Rude and ginger. I never got to be ginger."

"Oh, you'll have a chance someday, I'm sure, sweetie," said River with a little grin.

"Do you know? Did you ever meet a ginger me?" asked the Doctor eagerly, jerking his head up too fast. River's fingers were still stuck in his hair. "Ow!"

River rolled her eyes and dropped a light kiss to the top of his head. "Idiot. And if I _did, _it would be spoilers if I told you."

"I really don't like that word, that _spoilers._"

"Oh, I do."

"Why? No-don't say it, that'd probably be spoilers-" The Doctor jerked up again. _"Ow!"_

"Idiot," said River, and kissed the top of his head again. "Better?"

"Yeh-no. Maybe. Oh, look, the Ponds are here! Hello, Ponds!" The Doctor laid his head back down in River's lap. "River?"

"Mmm?"

"We need to have paintings on the ceiling, because I like it when you do my hair-"-Amy let out a snort of laughter-"-but looking at the ceiling is boring."

"Was I wearing my hallucinogenic lipstick when I kissed you?" River snorted.

"No, this is merely an astute observation on the boringness of the ceiling," said the Doctor haughtily. River laughed. "Are you staying?" he asked.

She looked at her watch. "Actually, I really should be leaving. I've got Christmas dinner soon."

"We're in a _time machine, _River, Christmas dinner could be two months from now if you want, can't you stay a bit longer?" the Doctor requested, his eyes now half-shut.

River sighed. "You're waiting on me, you know I can't be late."

"How am I-ohhh. Christmas dinner in _my future, _right?"

"You've got that to look forward to," River told him with a gentle smile. "I really do have to go." She got up, untangling her hands from the Doctor's hair and carefully pulling him up with her. "I'll see you soon, I think."

"I hope," said the Doctor shyly, standing up as well.

"Walk me to the door?" River asked with half a glance at the Ponds. The Doctor took her arm and let her lead him out of the room.

* * *

><p>The Doctor stumbled into the living room again about twenty minutes later, when Amy and Rory were cuddled on the couch watching a movie. There was a lipstick stain on his mouth and he looked incredibly dazed, but he had a stupid little smile on his face.<p>

"Hallucinogenic lipstick when she was kissing you goodbye?" said Amy without tearing her eyes away from the screen.

"To be honest," said the Doctor, "I think that it hardly matters."


End file.
